Sunday, 6 December, 2009

To quit job or not

I'm in a dilema, whether to quit job or not. Work is becoming more streeful off-late.At this point of time, when we rae planning to go the family way, I dont want to take stress. I want to give birth to a happy and a healthy baby! There I said it..But, the thought of not earning (since I've been earning even before passing out of college, while I was an intern), not able to see the bank balance grow, need to think before spending (not that I dont think now, while earning).I'm neither a shopaholic nor a spendthrift. I feel I can manage not working too. Once I conceive, I will anyway quit unless the office wants me to work from home. God, please help me make up my mind and take a decision that is good for me
Thanks!

Work is ........... me

Yes, I said it right..
Work _ _ _ _ _.
I would like to educate my boss the following:

1) No company/no team depends on the success or failure of one person or the work that a single individual does.
2) What was the manager doing all through one full year when there were problems? When one problem got resolved, he relaxed as did the engineer, only till the next problem cropped up and loomed into gigantic proportions. If an engineer is not able to solve the problem, why didnt the manager put somebody else in his/her place or why didnt he ask someone else to help the person who is in trouble?
3) Is the goal to solve the problem or to judge one's capabilities. For the latter, there is always an focal point review where one is rated/judged. What about finding the solution for the problem?
4) Pull out the weekly meeting notes to find out what was planned every week and what was executed.
5) What is the point of doing retro? when no action is taken from the learnings? Right from beginning, it was told that there was no documentation available. Wehn documentation was made available, there was no one to take a look at it. Why was no review done in the last one year?

Answer the above before blaming it on an individual,Mr.Boss

Friday, 30 October, 2009

Poruthaar Bhoomi Aalwaar..

I'm searching for the person whoever coined this proverb..In that case, I think I should be the ruler of the world..(I know every other individual will think that he/she has to be ruler of the world)
I was patient was last 4 years, now I'm finding it very difficult to wait for another 10 days when I would know the pregnancy test results. I'm hoping , wishing and praying that this cycle, we are blessed with our miracle and our bundle of joy! Learning from my experiences and from the various discourses that I've attended and various inspiring and uplifting blogs and material that I've read, have become more and more patient, conditioned and mature to take things as they come, not to get too anxious, realised that there are not too many things in our control, and that nature and time (GOD) will always do the best for each oen of us.Though I've become accustomed, still, it becomes a tad too difficult at times, (like yday and today) when I'm down, feel lost and have a not so good feeling, worried about the uncertainity, confused about what God wants to test me, irritated about what on life have I done to face such difficulties..But still, something inward tells me that a good nesa and a cute little bundle of joy will come to our home very soon..very very soon.I might be pregnant already,God, are you listening,?

Saturday, 24 October, 2009

Them and Us

Read this post at Inba's blog, and am prompted to jot this down rightw aya without postpoing for another good day as I do always.
Yes, during my growing up years, I vivdly remember my mother putting a budget every month and very much living with in the budget. With my father being the single earning member of the family, supporting aged parents, getting my fathers sister married off, and compensating for the dowry to the elder sister who was married a good 10 years ago ,all this with a private job, (not a position with Ambani or Tatas, but with a small transport company down south), earning a couple of thousands (Appa, is it 1K or 2K?)..
While my dad works tirelessly, my mom knows how best to manage the house. As a newly married bride, she didnt ask (forget about demanding) all the little thrills one gets, be it going out for a movie, or to beach, or to any small vacations. She is the one who is truly the backbone to my dad , to our family . Only when tow hands collide, will sound emnate..So, Appa works sincerely, tirelessly, selflessly all for us daughters. He puts us before himself. During our countless hsopping trips, he will patiently choose stuff for us, without ever considering his needs..

Fast forward 25 years..Here I'm thinking for more than a year if I should quit my job and stay at home, take care of my health, get into family way, take a break from career for a few years till the baby goes to play school, but still undecided..Though I seem to proclaim every now and then to BH that I'm mentally prepared to take a break from career, deep within, I still have doubts if I'm "really" ok to quit the job. EMI,insurance, shopping trips, mobile bills, dedicing to spend for stuff at the drop of a hat, taking an auto/taxi for convenience sake instead of commuting by public transport, dining out , different kinds of oil to apply on my hair, how would I manage all this without earning..?? "m sure these necessities will be provided by BH, but still, i'm quite not fully at peace with the idea of quitting..I need money to be able to feel comfortable, to buy, give stuff to people to matter to me . To be able to feel confident ..I'm at great awe at my parents how they are able to manage stuff comfortably within their means.

Wednesday, 16 September, 2009

Letter to HIM

Lord , I'm not going to ask you why me, because you have plans for every being that you'd created, you are the supreme power, you know what to give to whom and when..I neither have any right nor any power to change anything in this world or in this life. God, you riwll prevails in this world. As it goes "Your will be done on earth". Your will be done on me too. God, you've shown me time and again that whatever I think,plan or act, its your plans that get executed. God, please dont punsih me further. For whatever mistakes and sins that I've done, please do forgive me. I'm done innumerable sins in this present life and an sure would have done several, several sins in previosu births. I do want to change myself. I'm repenting for my sins. I've no one other than you to ask, to beg, to plead, to cajole, to coax. Lord, its getting very painful. I'm not able to bear it anymore. Pleas relieve me of this pain. Please..Whom shall I ask if not from thee, where shall i knock, it it is not at the door of thy sacred heart, who is there for me? Only you know what i undergo every day, every moment. I want to repent for my sins. Please do forgive me, please dont forsake me. I'm your creation too. Please show mercy on me. Please give me the strength and the power to tackle all the situations that you put me into. Please give me the strength and energy to go through this life that you've blessed me with. Right now, I find myself drained out of energy. Help me stand up from my crumbling position. Help me god,i'm really in need of you. Guide me with your grace, for I've no clue as to how to proceed. God, I'm extremely scared. Please brighten the path with your divine light so that I may be able to walk.Everytime I try to stand up form a difficult situation, you put me down. This time, please , please show me your hands that I can hold and get up. Sometimes, I think , had you wanted, you could've put in more dire situatiosn that whatever I've faced. I understand that if you wanted you could've punished me harder for all the crimes that i've commited. But you didnt. You are an embodiment of sympathy and forgiveness that you chose not to beat me harder. I thank you immensely for the kindness. In my small mind, I'm of the impression that all , everything has its beginning and an end, be it animate objects, inanimate ones, be it problems. I'm not sure if this is correct or not. If this were true, I also believe and hope that the troubles that you've put me through also has an end .
You know the efforst that i put in being optimistic, how i try to get up, be positive and chnage myself in these circumstances. You know how in seeing each and every pregnant woman, how my heart aches to get pregnant, you know how it feels when people talk about me front and back , about my condition and the state I'm in, you know how i cope up with these, you know how i've put in my best efforst(though there is a long way to go further) to let go off few of my silly attitude ,you know how i cringe when people talk of children, you know how i find it shameful and embarassing to meet anyone or go to any function, you know i wriggle in pain when people ask the number of years i'm married or if i have any kids , directly or indirectly, you know when i cry, when i pour out, when i'm hopeful, when i feel like dying, you know every iota of what i go through. I still believe that you have plans for every signle creation this world and I have no authority to comment or even try to change any plan that you have. Please give me the strength, courage, stamina and energy to rise up and please do, for I have no idea where forsake me, please allow me to hold your fingers.
Thansk you for all that you'be blessed me with, for everything, for everything,for EVERYTHING, from head to toe, to everyting physical, emotional, abstract, materialistic.

Monday, 14 September, 2009

Here's to new, happy beginnings

Forgot to mention about HSG , the procedure and the results. here it goes:
The day dawned with loads of prayers(with Vralakshmi vratham the previous day, I wore saree to SIL's place and to houses in the layout.), trepidation, with huge optimism, recollection of how to calm down myself, visualising how I got to behave during the procedure, telling myself over and over again that after all its no pain at all(I've very less tolerance for pain, there I said it.! But, I've come a long way last 4 years..), reassuring myself that everything will go on well, visualising the end result that I would've cooperated with the doctors and the result will also turn out to be perfectly normal. Months of preparation and prayers have gone into this. I woke upa nd lived and still living with teh strong beleif that the Good Lord will not let me down. Since I wasnt supposed to eat anything for 3 hours before the procedure, woke up at 6:30 on a saturday morning (very unusual for me) to ahve a cup of milk and corn flakes.Went to ebd again to relax myself and do all the above mentioned above, only to wake up at 8, have a quick shower, do the preparation (for which later i got scoldings from the doctors), take all reports, files and paraphernalia required, pray in the altar, namaskaram to mil and fil, praying to fil that he is the one who is supposed to protect me, and the onus is on him to protect his dil and his grandchild.Mil asked us to leave before 9 , so we left around 8:45-8:50 and reached there by 9:05.

Since BH hadnt had anything in the morning, I suggested that we got first to the canteen in the hospital ,get some breakfast for BH, while I can take some time to relax and prepare (what else?) before teh procedure. The day, the queue was pretty long, so BH insisted that we leave teh canteen because it would get late, but I was staunch that he needs to have breakfast, that way i can steal some time. So, we had breakfast, i was pei-aranjified all the while, and at around 9:25, when we reached the specified departmentw here the procedure will be done and as soon as BH gave my name and the sheet to the nurse, in no time, the sheet was given to the Doctor and my name was called. Everyone from the nurse till the Doctor read ,re-read what was written at the back of the appointment sheet "Patient uncooperative and hence procedure was not done" This was the report I received when I went for the test sometime during the 1st/2nd week of May 09. After they read this, the "real" treatment started. The first question the nurse asked was "What are your plans for today(this time)?". I was like..What the ....But, me being the submissive me and in that state of fear and anxiety, I meekly replied " I will co-operate and want to get it done this time". The Dr also became stern after this, I was taken into the procedure room. I was not told the procedure details because the nurse said I was well aware of the details from the last visit. I just kept my mouth shut. On the way to the hospital, just before nearing the hospital, the song "Barsore..Megha .." from the movie Guru was being played in the FM. So, this song was getting on and on being played in my mind too..I consciously wanted to relax, so I kept thinking about God, about how difficult life is, prayed God that not even my enemy should be put into such trauma..In between, the nurse started asking questions..where do u stay and next comes the main important question "How long have you been married". WHat are the previous cases of pregnancy etc.Now, our society hasnt changed at all..What if the nurse speaks good english and looks hip in her trouser and tops, the questions and the expression that come from her are nothing but similar to the one that a nurse who helped my mom deliver before quarter century is the same.

The doctor came, and scolded me for not preparing properly. The doctors introduced themselves saying that they have done more than 100 HSG's. Now , during the course of the procedure, one Dr started asking questions as to how to do it, and whether what she has done is correct. That she thought XYZ was the procedure and now she comes to know that XZY is the correct oen. Listening to all this, the nurse comments "What Dr, have u forgotten?" and now, the Drs start talking about their new ring or some otther goldy stuff which she said was gifted by her mil, for which the other Dr and nurse comment something else which didnt stay in my memory. And here i'm lying flat, wriggling in pain, and wailing "Amma, Amma, Appa, Appa". The Dr's push off to another room telling that they have some confusion and they need to lok into a different TV to check if the dye is flowing properly. In between all this, one of the Drs utters some fund regaring muscle etc, and when I asked them multiple times if everything was fine, they kept on repeating that they need to consult a senior Dr to get the final word. And asked me not to move or shake my legs. And I'm still lying horizontal with my legs starting to cramp and stomach already fixed in cramped state. Then, finally one of the Drs comes in and asks the nurse to get the tube removed and let me go. I was asked to come in the evening to collect the reports and when asked if the report looks normal, they said things were fine , but still come in the evening to collect the reprts. So, this is how I got my HSG done. Thanks to the Almighty. Thanks to Mom ,dada, mil, BH and very special thanks to my lovely sis who was much much confident than anyone else that things will fall in place and the result will eb normal. She was the one whao stood by me, gave me mental/moral support, gave me the courage to face this test.
And for record, I got this done on 1st of Aug 09. Here's to new beginnings. We went in the evening to collect the report, consulted the Dr the following week to get her verdict who declared that my tube is normal and I can go in for a normal pregnancy and said, wished and hoped(and prayed) that we are blessed with our bundle of joy sooner.Cheers.

Turning older

The previous post, in which I started writing about train ticket booking ritual in our family has been lost without being complete or saved.

Anyways, let me try to be more regular now. I have thousands of thoughts , each can qualify for a blog post running across my mind . I want to record each one of them in my personal space. But somehow, I just blog hop, get hooked on to all the mommy bloggers, wonder if I have the ability to write at all, forget about writing as eloquently and as artistically and coherently as those blogeers. The other day, I was reading an India Today article written by two people, each one belonging to a different gender and writing about a sensitive issue(was it titled: How men and women respond to their spouse in a relationship?). The woman had written so beautifully and so humourously whie the man had taken the topic seriously and displayed facts, figures and gave his opinions. I'm no worthy to comment which style was better, but to write either humourously or to write seriously, it requires skill , talent and creativity. I was showing the article to BH and commending the way these people write and what a talent they have been bestowed with . BH said if only you tried , you will know how you fair in it. I took his comment , knew that he has always wanted me to give it a try sincerely, and just put it at the back of my mind, without paying much attention to it then (because I knew that logic by myslef and it was not new for me) . Since then, as and when I blog hop, (which I do umpteen times, the number of times I blog hop exceeds the number of fingers on my hands and legs!. This is just in an ordinary day) this thought which is at the back of my mind would pop up once in a while and i would crave to write , to pen down most of the thoughts that criss-cross my mind(Lavs, I'm picking up your banner message) , vent some of my buried desires and sorrorws . This is yet another (honest?) attempt from today onwars to be regular at this blog.

Off late (especially the last 2 years) i've been wanting to let go of the materialistic desires, to not to bother about what one conveys directly or indirectly or bitches about me or my loved ones, to ignore all the negative and pessimistic statemnets that my mil tells while talking to me or about me, to let go of any cheap behaviour, to let go off commenting about others and their actiosn, to concenterate on god, to move closer to god, seek HIM , seek HIS blessings, His divinity. In the last 2 years , I can see a lot of changes in and within me. But, I've just climbed just one or probably two steps so far towards this goal. I do have a long way to go, miles to go, but i'm enthusiastically ready and wanting to climb forward.

Why I gave this prelogue is because I want to pen down what I've been feeling in the last one week about a particular attribute which I thought I've shed off, but havent yet. Ok, my birthday is coming up in the next 6 days. Both the previous weekend and this weekend, I was expecting , (now, I've written it, EXPECTING!) BH would ask me as to what I want.(Earlier, I'd mentioned that I 've climed two steps in the ladder right, now let me subtract one from it, or perhaps, should I be on the floor only, and not even ready to take the first step?). But alas, he didnt. So, this thought keeps coming to my mind if he remembers at all. Even when I told him that I'm planning to go to my native the next week(when my bday falls) , he didnt utter a word. Both the weekends I thought I will do some shopping for myself on the ocassion of my bday. But I find it awkward to tell BH that I want to shop form my bday. I feel he should be taking me out and offer to buy me what I want. Sometimes, I also feel taht Ok, whatif he has forgotten. I shall go ahead and buy stuff for myslef. I shall tell him that I want to buy clothes, some other stuff for myslef, would he accompany me? while this is one side of teh coin, the other side thinks: how can he not even do this basic stuff. He plans gifts for his mom, sis, bil, niece, whereas when it comes to me, he doenst even remember, next comes the offer to buy anything amterialistic. He keeps reminding me off-late that I'm getting older. Ofcourse, anything in this world gets older , whether animate or not. When I read about how all the bloggers are surprised by their spouses, I feel am I not even worth of buying anything at all?

I know it is very childish of me first of all to expect something, next to bother about such materialistic stuff. In very badly want to come out of the clenches of expectation. I want to shed such materialistic desires. Lord, will you please help me?Thanks in advance.

Monday, 27 July, 2009

Habit..

I've made this a habit to check blogs(mommy blogs) as the next thing after opening outlook(read just open outlook, blog hop, read all blogs, then, make the effort of reading official e-mails)..This is what I've been following last 3+ years(hush..hush..dont tell office mates:-)) the path that my life has taken me last 3+ years has made me more hooked to these blogs. hence, when i'm piled with work and when more effort is expected of me, i'm finding it difficult to let go of this habit even slowly. Now that I've started blogging (regularly? still need to wait and watch till I claim I'm regular blogger),and want to record too many things over here, I log in to create posts..but just after clicking on new Post, i open another browser window to browse blogs.reading others blogs have proven to be positive many times, but i want to come out of not this habit but this addiction..anyone else addicted?

Sunday, 26 July, 2009

Looking forward to life from this week on..

The week starting 26 July 2009 will usher in a new hope, new beginning, a new freshness, a new treasure for life, a new miracle..So, do I believe! According to mine and Bh's horoscopes, all our troubles are now behind us and staring this week, its going to be a good time for us and we shall conceive a baby during this period and the baby will grow its full term in my utero and will come to this world and we would welcome our happy healthy baby now.I cant stop grinning even as the thoughts go over me..This week lstarts with Shashti on 27th July, Monday, and I'm sure Lord Murugan's blessings are with us even If i'm dont perform the monthly shashti pooja this time. Then, comes varalakshmi Nombu on 31st July , and then, next comes the most awaited HSG test. I hope I'm able to cooperate with the Doctors this time and get a normal HSG result. If anyone gets to read this post of mine, please send a prayer up for us.

Work..Work..

and more of it was what happened during the last 3 days of last week. I did have too many things to complete at work, but one particular issue hogged up all my time at office , and more at home too.

An issue has been dicsovered in the work I did for the previous project, and questions are being thrown at me from left,right and centre. Since the boss in the US is asking me many details, I sought the help of my mamnager here to draft the email(because you know, in times of crisis like this, the appropriate wording of the email, stating properly etc makes a hell a lot of difference because a misplaced word could create more impact). But, mamager being his own slef just kept offmy requests for full 2 days teling I do all the responses since I was the one who was involved during the design, testing etc. Here, I agree that I share responsibility for the bug, but I feel as a manager he needs to picth in and help me. Even after repeatedly asking him for help , he brushed it off. So, I sit for hours together to dig into the last year and a half'ss emails , find of I get some conversation with someone regarding this issue, the, draft email, bring it home, give it to Bh, make him work on my work, which now becomes double taxing, get the email drafed from him (Bh is too good at writing, talkinh, has excellent command of english, he is simply too good at words! Touch Wood! Kala Tikka.), again, go through the draft, edit it (bcos I need to filter out what technical detauls has to go /remove from it), then, wait for the braodband to work and then, finally click on the send button.

I'm also dealing with another issue with involves interaction with a third party person and he simply hasnt given me a effective solution since last 4 weeks.

In addition to all this, 've been secretively desiting if I would test positive for pregnancy this cycle.Only Till last Thursday, I did have hope, i thought a divine miracle was happening on me.Anyways,hoping to get pregnant very soon..Having fingers crossed.

Thursday, 23 July, 2009

Getting in touch with old friends

And so I start my daily routine of opening Outlook first (office work first!), then gmail, then winkiesways,..And there in Gmail, I see an new message from some name who is so very familiar. And there its my school friend..Felt really good and was grinning while reading her email though it was only of 2 lines..This time, I broke out of my procastination, immediately composed her a reply, and even before i culd expect a reponse from her, saw a friend request threby allowing em to view her pics..She is gorgeous mother of a year old, and has such a adorable family..browsing through, found some more friends and classmates and found that they are all settled as a family.I'm genuinely very happy for them. Looking at all their kids' pictures, I beg and plead the Almighty to bless me also with a child and i go wistful as to when I would become a mom.I shall soon post the birth story. It starts in Feb 2006 and I sincerely wish and pray that I will have a child by August 2010.Everything happens for a reason, yes, I believe it, but I'm also a normal human being, sometimes I get very depressed and stressed out and feel in the middle of an ocean and it seems an uphill task as to who will help em to reach the shore and when I will reach the shore. I'm longing to join the Doula ganag and longing to be blessed!.

Tuesday, 21 July, 2009

Sis enrols in college

Hurray! Good News! Sweet little dear sis gets admitted to college. Just cant believe my own eyes if its the same cute little thing that i saw the next morning after her birth in the hospital, now is taller , slimmer, smarter than me. In terms of beauty, I cant even give you a compraison with me, thats why ,it wasnt include in the previous line. She is one of the two whom I consider the most beautiful women in the world. Any guesses who is the other??

Words falter to come when I want to describe about how she has changed our lives, our family, the joy and the happiness that she has brought into our worlds. She proved to be opposite to me since her childhood days when she dint make a single fuss in her food, play, sleeping habits. She gave enogh rest for my mom, being an obedient child, you wouldnt believe when i say that she used to do poojas and japas when she was still a 3 year old(I do have pictures to rpove!), a little helper around the house, a daddy's daughter who wouldnt allow my dad to carry a suitcase when he had to travel(
a separate post on how my dad used to sneakily move out of the hosue whenever he had to travel), the pink mite who used to call me acca a hundred times(wait, was it not thousand?) a day,my angel who adorned her hair with flowers 10 times more than the length of her hair and who now has enviable dark, long and strong hair,the darling of our house who socialised very well with all near and dear, who gradually took upon cooking and now master every other ish that you can think of. Appu, you are the best thing to have happened in my life and wish and sincerely pray God that the child that I bear will also be as sweet and darling as you are. Appu Beta, May the Good Lord shower you with adundant blessings for a happy, peaceful, healthy life ahead. As you now start to face the world, I pray that the Divine power shower you with mental strength to face the challenges, the wisdom to distinguish between the right and the worng, the strength and stamina to move past the hurdles and emerge successful in all that you. I have so much to learn from you, sweetu,be my teacher Appu!

Agara Mudhala

Ezhuthellam Aadhi Bhagavan Mudhatrey Ulagu

This is my First Post, and the not-so first attemp in blogging. Have been trying to be regular on posts since the last 4 years throgh various blogspot pages,and this is another attempt to record all the happy, intersting, mundane, events in my life. More importantly, this is alo a space to vent all emotions and feelings and in a sincere desire to mature spiritually, I start this blog.