Monday 14 September, 2009

Turning older

The previous post, in which I started writing about train ticket booking ritual in our family has been lost without being complete or saved.

Anyways, let me try to be more regular now. I have thousands of thoughts , each can qualify for a blog post running across my mind . I want to record each one of them in my personal space. But somehow, I just blog hop, get hooked on to all the mommy bloggers, wonder if I have the ability to write at all, forget about writing as eloquently and as artistically and coherently as those blogeers. The other day, I was reading an India Today article written by two people, each one belonging to a different gender and writing about a sensitive issue(was it titled: How men and women respond to their spouse in a relationship?). The woman had written so beautifully and so humourously whie the man had taken the topic seriously and displayed facts, figures and gave his opinions. I'm no worthy to comment which style was better, but to write either humourously or to write seriously, it requires skill , talent and creativity. I was showing the article to BH and commending the way these people write and what a talent they have been bestowed with . BH said if only you tried , you will know how you fair in it. I took his comment , knew that he has always wanted me to give it a try sincerely, and just put it at the back of my mind, without paying much attention to it then (because I knew that logic by myslef and it was not new for me) . Since then, as and when I blog hop, (which I do umpteen times, the number of times I blog hop exceeds the number of fingers on my hands and legs!. This is just in an ordinary day) this thought which is at the back of my mind would pop up once in a while and i would crave to write , to pen down most of the thoughts that criss-cross my mind(Lavs, I'm picking up your banner message) , vent some of my buried desires and sorrorws . This is yet another (honest?) attempt from today onwars to be regular at this blog.

Off late (especially the last 2 years) i've been wanting to let go of the materialistic desires, to not to bother about what one conveys directly or indirectly or bitches about me or my loved ones, to ignore all the negative and pessimistic statemnets that my mil tells while talking to me or about me, to let go of any cheap behaviour, to let go off commenting about others and their actiosn, to concenterate on god, to move closer to god, seek HIM , seek HIS blessings, His divinity. In the last 2 years , I can see a lot of changes in and within me. But, I've just climbed just one or probably two steps so far towards this goal. I do have a long way to go, miles to go, but i'm enthusiastically ready and wanting to climb forward.

Why I gave this prelogue is because I want to pen down what I've been feeling in the last one week about a particular attribute which I thought I've shed off, but havent yet. Ok, my birthday is coming up in the next 6 days. Both the previous weekend and this weekend, I was expecting , (now, I've written it, EXPECTING!) BH would ask me as to what I want.(Earlier, I'd mentioned that I 've climed two steps in the ladder right, now let me subtract one from it, or perhaps, should I be on the floor only, and not even ready to take the first step?). But alas, he didnt. So, this thought keeps coming to my mind if he remembers at all. Even when I told him that I'm planning to go to my native the next week(when my bday falls) , he didnt utter a word. Both the weekends I thought I will do some shopping for myself on the ocassion of my bday. But I find it awkward to tell BH that I want to shop form my bday. I feel he should be taking me out and offer to buy me what I want. Sometimes, I also feel taht Ok, whatif he has forgotten. I shall go ahead and buy stuff for myslef. I shall tell him that I want to buy clothes, some other stuff for myslef, would he accompany me? while this is one side of teh coin, the other side thinks: how can he not even do this basic stuff. He plans gifts for his mom, sis, bil, niece, whereas when it comes to me, he doenst even remember, next comes the offer to buy anything amterialistic. He keeps reminding me off-late that I'm getting older. Ofcourse, anything in this world gets older , whether animate or not. When I read about how all the bloggers are surprised by their spouses, I feel am I not even worth of buying anything at all?

I know it is very childish of me first of all to expect something, next to bother about such materialistic stuff. In very badly want to come out of the clenches of expectation. I want to shed such materialistic desires. Lord, will you please help me?Thanks in advance.

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