Wednesday, 16 September, 2009

Letter to HIM

Lord , I'm not going to ask you why me, because you have plans for every being that you'd created, you are the supreme power, you know what to give to whom and when..I neither have any right nor any power to change anything in this world or in this life. God, you riwll prevails in this world. As it goes "Your will be done on earth". Your will be done on me too. God, you've shown me time and again that whatever I think,plan or act, its your plans that get executed. God, please dont punsih me further. For whatever mistakes and sins that I've done, please do forgive me. I'm done innumerable sins in this present life and an sure would have done several, several sins in previosu births. I do want to change myself. I'm repenting for my sins. I've no one other than you to ask, to beg, to plead, to cajole, to coax. Lord, its getting very painful. I'm not able to bear it anymore. Pleas relieve me of this pain. Please..Whom shall I ask if not from thee, where shall i knock, it it is not at the door of thy sacred heart, who is there for me? Only you know what i undergo every day, every moment. I want to repent for my sins. Please do forgive me, please dont forsake me. I'm your creation too. Please show mercy on me. Please give me the strength and the power to tackle all the situations that you put me into. Please give me the strength and energy to go through this life that you've blessed me with. Right now, I find myself drained out of energy. Help me stand up from my crumbling position. Help me god,i'm really in need of you. Guide me with your grace, for I've no clue as to how to proceed. God, I'm extremely scared. Please brighten the path with your divine light so that I may be able to walk.Everytime I try to stand up form a difficult situation, you put me down. This time, please , please show me your hands that I can hold and get up. Sometimes, I think , had you wanted, you could've put in more dire situatiosn that whatever I've faced. I understand that if you wanted you could've punished me harder for all the crimes that i've commited. But you didnt. You are an embodiment of sympathy and forgiveness that you chose not to beat me harder. I thank you immensely for the kindness. In my small mind, I'm of the impression that all , everything has its beginning and an end, be it animate objects, inanimate ones, be it problems. I'm not sure if this is correct or not. If this were true, I also believe and hope that the troubles that you've put me through also has an end .
You know the efforst that i put in being optimistic, how i try to get up, be positive and chnage myself in these circumstances. You know how in seeing each and every pregnant woman, how my heart aches to get pregnant, you know how it feels when people talk about me front and back , about my condition and the state I'm in, you know how i cope up with these, you know how i've put in my best efforst(though there is a long way to go further) to let go off few of my silly attitude ,you know how i cringe when people talk of children, you know how i find it shameful and embarassing to meet anyone or go to any function, you know i wriggle in pain when people ask the number of years i'm married or if i have any kids , directly or indirectly, you know when i cry, when i pour out, when i'm hopeful, when i feel like dying, you know every iota of what i go through. I still believe that you have plans for every signle creation this world and I have no authority to comment or even try to change any plan that you have. Please give me the strength, courage, stamina and energy to rise up and please do, for I have no idea where forsake me, please allow me to hold your fingers.
Thansk you for all that you'be blessed me with, for everything, for everything,for EVERYTHING, from head to toe, to everyting physical, emotional, abstract, materialistic.

Monday, 14 September, 2009

Here's to new, happy beginnings

Forgot to mention about HSG , the procedure and the results. here it goes:
The day dawned with loads of prayers(with Vralakshmi vratham the previous day, I wore saree to SIL's place and to houses in the layout.), trepidation, with huge optimism, recollection of how to calm down myself, visualising how I got to behave during the procedure, telling myself over and over again that after all its no pain at all(I've very less tolerance for pain, there I said it.! But, I've come a long way last 4 years..), reassuring myself that everything will go on well, visualising the end result that I would've cooperated with the doctors and the result will also turn out to be perfectly normal. Months of preparation and prayers have gone into this. I woke upa nd lived and still living with teh strong beleif that the Good Lord will not let me down. Since I wasnt supposed to eat anything for 3 hours before the procedure, woke up at 6:30 on a saturday morning (very unusual for me) to ahve a cup of milk and corn flakes.Went to ebd again to relax myself and do all the above mentioned above, only to wake up at 8, have a quick shower, do the preparation (for which later i got scoldings from the doctors), take all reports, files and paraphernalia required, pray in the altar, namaskaram to mil and fil, praying to fil that he is the one who is supposed to protect me, and the onus is on him to protect his dil and his grandchild.Mil asked us to leave before 9 , so we left around 8:45-8:50 and reached there by 9:05.

Since BH hadnt had anything in the morning, I suggested that we got first to the canteen in the hospital ,get some breakfast for BH, while I can take some time to relax and prepare (what else?) before teh procedure. The day, the queue was pretty long, so BH insisted that we leave teh canteen because it would get late, but I was staunch that he needs to have breakfast, that way i can steal some time. So, we had breakfast, i was pei-aranjified all the while, and at around 9:25, when we reached the specified departmentw here the procedure will be done and as soon as BH gave my name and the sheet to the nurse, in no time, the sheet was given to the Doctor and my name was called. Everyone from the nurse till the Doctor read ,re-read what was written at the back of the appointment sheet "Patient uncooperative and hence procedure was not done" This was the report I received when I went for the test sometime during the 1st/2nd week of May 09. After they read this, the "real" treatment started. The first question the nurse asked was "What are your plans for today(this time)?". I was like..What the ....But, me being the submissive me and in that state of fear and anxiety, I meekly replied " I will co-operate and want to get it done this time". The Dr also became stern after this, I was taken into the procedure room. I was not told the procedure details because the nurse said I was well aware of the details from the last visit. I just kept my mouth shut. On the way to the hospital, just before nearing the hospital, the song "Barsore..Megha .." from the movie Guru was being played in the FM. So, this song was getting on and on being played in my mind too..I consciously wanted to relax, so I kept thinking about God, about how difficult life is, prayed God that not even my enemy should be put into such trauma..In between, the nurse started asking questions..where do u stay and next comes the main important question "How long have you been married". WHat are the previous cases of pregnancy etc.Now, our society hasnt changed at all..What if the nurse speaks good english and looks hip in her trouser and tops, the questions and the expression that come from her are nothing but similar to the one that a nurse who helped my mom deliver before quarter century is the same.

The doctor came, and scolded me for not preparing properly. The doctors introduced themselves saying that they have done more than 100 HSG's. Now , during the course of the procedure, one Dr started asking questions as to how to do it, and whether what she has done is correct. That she thought XYZ was the procedure and now she comes to know that XZY is the correct oen. Listening to all this, the nurse comments "What Dr, have u forgotten?" and now, the Drs start talking about their new ring or some otther goldy stuff which she said was gifted by her mil, for which the other Dr and nurse comment something else which didnt stay in my memory. And here i'm lying flat, wriggling in pain, and wailing "Amma, Amma, Appa, Appa". The Dr's push off to another room telling that they have some confusion and they need to lok into a different TV to check if the dye is flowing properly. In between all this, one of the Drs utters some fund regaring muscle etc, and when I asked them multiple times if everything was fine, they kept on repeating that they need to consult a senior Dr to get the final word. And asked me not to move or shake my legs. And I'm still lying horizontal with my legs starting to cramp and stomach already fixed in cramped state. Then, finally one of the Drs comes in and asks the nurse to get the tube removed and let me go. I was asked to come in the evening to collect the reports and when asked if the report looks normal, they said things were fine , but still come in the evening to collect the reprts. So, this is how I got my HSG done. Thanks to the Almighty. Thanks to Mom ,dada, mil, BH and very special thanks to my lovely sis who was much much confident than anyone else that things will fall in place and the result will eb normal. She was the one whao stood by me, gave me mental/moral support, gave me the courage to face this test.
And for record, I got this done on 1st of Aug 09. Here's to new beginnings. We went in the evening to collect the report, consulted the Dr the following week to get her verdict who declared that my tube is normal and I can go in for a normal pregnancy and said, wished and hoped(and prayed) that we are blessed with our bundle of joy sooner.Cheers.

Turning older

The previous post, in which I started writing about train ticket booking ritual in our family has been lost without being complete or saved.

Anyways, let me try to be more regular now. I have thousands of thoughts , each can qualify for a blog post running across my mind . I want to record each one of them in my personal space. But somehow, I just blog hop, get hooked on to all the mommy bloggers, wonder if I have the ability to write at all, forget about writing as eloquently and as artistically and coherently as those blogeers. The other day, I was reading an India Today article written by two people, each one belonging to a different gender and writing about a sensitive issue(was it titled: How men and women respond to their spouse in a relationship?). The woman had written so beautifully and so humourously whie the man had taken the topic seriously and displayed facts, figures and gave his opinions. I'm no worthy to comment which style was better, but to write either humourously or to write seriously, it requires skill , talent and creativity. I was showing the article to BH and commending the way these people write and what a talent they have been bestowed with . BH said if only you tried , you will know how you fair in it. I took his comment , knew that he has always wanted me to give it a try sincerely, and just put it at the back of my mind, without paying much attention to it then (because I knew that logic by myslef and it was not new for me) . Since then, as and when I blog hop, (which I do umpteen times, the number of times I blog hop exceeds the number of fingers on my hands and legs!. This is just in an ordinary day) this thought which is at the back of my mind would pop up once in a while and i would crave to write , to pen down most of the thoughts that criss-cross my mind(Lavs, I'm picking up your banner message) , vent some of my buried desires and sorrorws . This is yet another (honest?) attempt from today onwars to be regular at this blog.

Off late (especially the last 2 years) i've been wanting to let go of the materialistic desires, to not to bother about what one conveys directly or indirectly or bitches about me or my loved ones, to ignore all the negative and pessimistic statemnets that my mil tells while talking to me or about me, to let go of any cheap behaviour, to let go off commenting about others and their actiosn, to concenterate on god, to move closer to god, seek HIM , seek HIS blessings, His divinity. In the last 2 years , I can see a lot of changes in and within me. But, I've just climbed just one or probably two steps so far towards this goal. I do have a long way to go, miles to go, but i'm enthusiastically ready and wanting to climb forward.

Why I gave this prelogue is because I want to pen down what I've been feeling in the last one week about a particular attribute which I thought I've shed off, but havent yet. Ok, my birthday is coming up in the next 6 days. Both the previous weekend and this weekend, I was expecting , (now, I've written it, EXPECTING!) BH would ask me as to what I want.(Earlier, I'd mentioned that I 've climed two steps in the ladder right, now let me subtract one from it, or perhaps, should I be on the floor only, and not even ready to take the first step?). But alas, he didnt. So, this thought keeps coming to my mind if he remembers at all. Even when I told him that I'm planning to go to my native the next week(when my bday falls) , he didnt utter a word. Both the weekends I thought I will do some shopping for myself on the ocassion of my bday. But I find it awkward to tell BH that I want to shop form my bday. I feel he should be taking me out and offer to buy me what I want. Sometimes, I also feel taht Ok, whatif he has forgotten. I shall go ahead and buy stuff for myslef. I shall tell him that I want to buy clothes, some other stuff for myslef, would he accompany me? while this is one side of teh coin, the other side thinks: how can he not even do this basic stuff. He plans gifts for his mom, sis, bil, niece, whereas when it comes to me, he doenst even remember, next comes the offer to buy anything amterialistic. He keeps reminding me off-late that I'm getting older. Ofcourse, anything in this world gets older , whether animate or not. When I read about how all the bloggers are surprised by their spouses, I feel am I not even worth of buying anything at all?

I know it is very childish of me first of all to expect something, next to bother about such materialistic stuff. In very badly want to come out of the clenches of expectation. I want to shed such materialistic desires. Lord, will you please help me?Thanks in advance.